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Saturday, March 29th, 2008
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4:06 am - My heart and mind can be disjointed
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So I've decided that i'm wicked fucked up. haha makes me laugh. I wonder who isn't? but anyways, I want to start over. Everything, i want to start LIFE over.
My goals for my re-do:
Childhood~ Make better friends (sammi/ abbie), Color/ scribble more, Ask my parents to sign me up for a dance class of some sort, play outside more, go fishing with my dad more, learn better social skills, play guitar.
Pre-teen~ get to know my father better, enjoy every moment, win spelling bees, be more active, get involved with some type of art class/ photo class actually both this is my re-do huh! lol stay active, study harder, learn about computers (random) NEVER GET BANGS, not let other people hurt me, keep my good friends, play softball more, stay in my childhood dance class, still play guitar, have my first awkward boyfriend, have my second awkward boyfriend lol.
Teens~ Make my father take his medication, never find out what its like to lose a father, enjoy high school, do better in high school, go to more concerts, stay active, keep up with my dance class/art/photo/guitar classes, stay amazing friends with my amazing friends, love life, love my family, not be a bitch, I would like to keep the fact that i got my first job at the movies (i would have never met chris or became friends with rissa) not be depressed, join a band, get into a better college, make better college friends, have a couple serious relationships find a guy who truly makes me happy and is everything i would want in a guy.
Early twenties~ NEVER MOVE TO CT, get my own appt, get Dominic, Enjoy my life, travel to far off places, get an amazing job where i make great money and all the time off i want, keep my friends, become a great artist on the side with paintings and my creative photos, teach other people how to dance as a volunteer, keep my serious relationship with the most amazing guy (obviously he has an accent) stay close with all of my family who are all alive.
Mid twenties~ possible get engaged to the guy i love, Still travel, all my friends and i stay super close, make awesome money, sell paintings by the bundle, only play guitar for fun, become a great dance teacher, laugh all the time, hardly stop smiling, have a normal sleep schedule, move in with my boyfriend, enjoy every moment.
Late twenties early thirties~ Have my father walk my down the isle, have all my great friends with me, get married somewhere interesting, love my job, take pictures like a pro, go to parties all the time, have soooo much fun, Love my life, talk to my family every day, have my entire family stay healthy and happy until their late 80's, travel like my life depended on it.
Mid- late thirties~ have babies..... and everything will be spectacular..... until i die!
current mood:  awake
current music: The Bottom~ Sick puppies
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| Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007
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8:45 am - Half my words don't mean a thing!
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UGH I'm sooooo fucking bored!!! I'm at work since like 6:45ish to build up 2 of the same movie and watch BOTH of them before tonight!! haha ugh, at least its a good movie, Dan In Real Life. So i guess i can't complain! Most people would kill to watch movies and get paid for it! haha i guess the only part i'm upset about is that i have crazy insomnia and i got like maybe 2 hours MAX of sleep last night! EVEN AFTER A SLEEPING PILL! omg! i hate my sleep cycle!
current mood:  cranky
current music: Halo
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| Monday, September 10th, 2007
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11:55 pm - I look into your eyes, and i see nothing out of the ordinary
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Sooo haven't written anything for a while. Not much to say really! Well, in the time that i haven't updated my livejournal i've had and lost a boyfriend! haha I really have issues! He was way to "clingy" for me! So after a month of dating him, i could take it anymore so i ended it. I did it on good terms tho.
And in other news my sister called me the other day and told me that she wanted to move out and in with someone NOT her boyfriend, and asked me if i wanted to move to Florida and live with her. I'm not sure if i would want to do that but it might be fun! so i've guess i have till like December to think about it!
Pros: get outta this job that is totally killing me, live where its warm all year round, start over, live somewhere new, meet new people, live life a little more full, have fun more, go on a road trip with my sister, live with someone i know i get along with, cheaper to live in Florida then CT or NH. hot in the summer.
Cons: be so far away from my friends (i mean i live in CT and i never see them as it is, so i move to Florida and maybe not see them for months at a time,) Start over its always a hard thing to do, not have the job security, move away from my mom (i'm the only one she really has left around her), not make as much money. Be so far away from my friends. wicked hot in the summer.
I figured out that IF i did move down to florida i would only move for 1 (thats ONE) year and see how i like it. Then i want to move back to NH and maybe finish school. Or maybe do something else. I figure i really would like to move around and visit different places. But there is no way that i could move so far away from my friends for more then a year. I would of course come back and visit at LEAST 2 times in the year i'm gone. but that doesn't seem like enough. I'm sooooooooo torn about it. Not like i don't have enough to think about but they could always visit too... i mean its FLORIDA and me, who wouldn't want to visit?! :) I need help.
Then i can't stop thinking that i had some of the pros and cons about living in CT and i'm not a huge fan of living down here.... what the fuck do i do!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
current mood:  confused
current music: nothign
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| Sunday, July 1st, 2007
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4:28 am - what to do?!?!
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So on wednesday i came home to NH to go to a birthday party, yay!! anyways i talked to my mom for a little while before i left to go back to CT and we figured out that This coming sunday we would go to the beach together with rosey! that was settled on wednesday.... NOW I AM FUCKING HOME IN NH GETTING YELLED AT BECAUSE I CAN'T SLEEP SO I WAS WATCHING A MOVIE AND MY MOM WOKE UP THINKIN SOMEONE WAS IN HER HOME, SHE CLAIMS WE NEVER MADE ANY PLANS TO GO TO THE BEACH AND THAT I'M NOT ALLOWED HOME ANYMORE WITH OUT A PHONE CALL. OMFG i am debating on going back to CT at 4 :30 in the morning after already driving the 2 fucking hour ride to NH... FUCK THIS SHIT she is fucking crazy!!! we made pllllaaaaaannnnssss!!! and now all of a sudden she goes psycho on me and claims that i never said it was a for sure, that i made it seem like i didn't want to go so she made plans with other people! WTF!!! so yeah what ever she made plans to go out with other people but the fact thats she's yelling at me right now pissed of that i came through with plans is so making me never want to come back to fucking NH ever again!! OMG and the fact that i hate my job and even worse i hate my "friends" in CT makes me never want to go back there.... so where do i go? two states i don't want to be in and i live in both! FUCK THIS SHIT, i'm so wanting to cry right now, i don't feel loved anymore sooooo emo but when your own mother is basically mad that your home will make anyone feel unloved! so i'm paking my god damn shit and i'm going back to CT. I'm not sure i'll be coming back to NH for a while. I'm super tired right now but i am so hurt by my mom i'm pretty sure i'll drive tired and risk dying then sleep here tonight! I can not believe her! I'm so shocked!!!!!
current mood:  irate
current music: fuck
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| Sunday, June 24th, 2007
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12:52 am - painted veil
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So i'm still fucking sick!! i can't stand this!!! i bet you a million dollars that i have mono again... boo anways i got to see my sister this weekend!! woot. she came up from florida!! Kelly and her "whatever" have an "engagment" party?!?! weird i know but there it is. It was well........ yeah. I didn't have much fun and i wanted to die! i took a lot of pictures and its kinda funny because ALL of the pictures of me i look like death and or i'm bleeding from the nose! (my face is ssooooooo red from me blowing my nose) anyways finally mom and i left and we came home to see the painted veil!! BEST MOVIE EVER!! sammi your going to love this movie!! its has Naomi Watts and Edward Norton who is now by far my favorite actor! anyways its really fucking good!
Kinda morbid story for you guys, i came home late LATE last night and talked to kelly for a little while then i tried to sleep on the air matress... not so comfy, so then i snuggled up with my mom, again not comfy. I think she thought i was the dog and kept pushing me off the bed, when that didn't work she kicked me!!! so i moved to the couch... and then 2 hours after trying to get comfy and finally falling asleep i wake up to me thinking i seriously was getting shot! there was this HUGE fucking bang and all the power went off, i was sooo scared! anyways turns out that the cables attached to my house blew up?! wierd. So later on that day mom jokingly says that an animal may have gotten caught in the cables and thats what made it blow up. Kelly and i took a walk a little after that and sure enough there was a squirrel mangled and stiff like laying like 2 feet away from the door!
I named him sparky.... R.I.P
current mood:  sick
current music: none :(
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| Tuesday, June 19th, 2007
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2:54 am - i can't live with out you
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I'm still sick :P blah. Oh well i should hopefully be better by wednesday, at least i have to be! Rissa's b-day is then! We're gunna go clubbin'!! i can't wait!!!! We're going to the gay club so come if you want to!
so anyways i have no idea what to get marissa, i'm broke and i've been sleeping for 3 days in a row so any thoughts on this matter would be welcomed! :)
I going to take some meds and clean my room, and by the time i'm done cleaning i hope i will be tired! g'night kitties!
This song makes me think of high school!! lol i love this song/hated high school!
current mood: sick
current music: saliva "always"
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| Monday, June 18th, 2007
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3:59 am - its all been bottled up until now
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Today sucked wicked bad... "I went fathers day shopping today" "I got my dad...." "I spent the whole day with my dad" "let me post a really fucking sad fathers day poem about how a little fucking girl lost her father...!" Nice! I miss my dad.
Not to mention i'm sooooooo fucking sick again! I feel like shit! i think i have mono for the second time around!! my glands are huge my throat hurts and i can breath/eat! but hey i guess thats a good thing! :) I slept ALLLLLLLL day saturday, I'm not kidding! i was up for maybe 3 hours tops! now i'm waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in!
I wish i had slept thru today, it might have been better. I wonder if ppl know if my dad died. Not like it matters they don't have to watch what they say infront of me, but i wonder if they know how much it stings inside, how silent i get when they talk about their dads? Can people tell how tender that subject is for me even after fucking 5 years? I really wonder, but i will not say anything! I want to know whats its like to have a dad again. I mean i do still have a dad, i just want him here with me, thats what i want to know. I want to know everything about him.
I miss him. I miss him so much. I feel lost with out him. empty.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Barracuda
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| Sunday, June 10th, 2007
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3:09 am - i don't hear nothin' but ladies callin'
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So i talked to sammi last night, and figured out that i need to change, As simple as that. Or is it? How many relationships work out if one of the persons invole try to change the other, either it ends in heart break or acceptance. I would love to change, and become the kind of person that i want to be, but how does some one do this? I asked sammi, she thinks i need to take small steps. I thought i might start with maybe my sleep schedule. Since i have no intention on going to the Dr. to figure out my problem maybe i should just try going to bed at a normal time. but that didn't work out for me at all, i got about 2 hours of sleep and then had to work from 9am until 8pm and then hung out with friends and then watched a movie and played 4 square.... and now i'm home typing! at like 3:09ish. So i'm thinking i'm so beyond helping myself with this issue.
Am i beyond helping myself with any issues? i think i am. I honestly think that I can't control any part of my life. Ask me why i won't leave my job and find something i love to do! Ask me why i won't change the way i look! even ask me why i won't go out with certian guys! I have NO good reason for any. None! i'll come up with some stupid ideaon why it wouldn't be a good idea, or something about a guy that i just couldn't deal with. or i would have to find new clothes. stupid shit like that!
I'm so tired. Tired of being stupid! of everything. mostly of me. god i'm so emo!
current mood:  contemplating suicide!
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| Friday, June 8th, 2007
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11:45 pm - And he ain't ever ever coming back to you
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So I've been thinking that i might be lonely... like i need to get a boy friend. First of all i've never been that girl that always needs to have a boyfriend. I can't respect a girl that can't be on her own. I just want to have that kinda of emotional relationship. A real one not a fucking lie. I never want to be lied to again!!!!! I'm not sure i can say that more seriously but i want the truth always. But as i put more and more thought into who my next boyfriend would be i came up empty handed. All the boys that i've had "crushes" on, well i could never see myself dating them! One guy is totally obsessed with his ex-girlfriend, and the other one is into "the skinny bitches" that sammi was talking about and well i consider myself a very strong-minded women who is completely against all of that stuff. sooo i find myself alone, and i can't help but think this is going to stay this way for a long time. I'm not at all upset about this. I love my alone time and i'm not sure its possible for me to have better friends so this is good. I can't help but think that i'm either way to pick-e or that i am just not looking hard enough. Lets face it what other 21 year old works like 62 hours a week and barely ever talks to her old friends. So i think not looking hard enough is a major part of this but i definitely think that i nit pick at boys so i don't have to either go out with them, or stay with them. WHO DOES THAT! why would i push boys away before i even go out with them. I don't let many people see who i truly am. I have so much god-damn armor!! This is all my dads fault! Do you know i will avoid telling people my dad died unless they come out and ask me!! people joke around about moms, grandmas, and dads. and i say nothing. and then people ask me what i'm getting my dad for fathers day and i either say "umm dunno" or change the subject! I know its none of their business but weird! Am i blaming my dad so i don't have to face the facts that i'm fucked up!? I need to talk to someone!! i need medication. I need to sleep! i'm so fucking tired, i can't sleep!!! i haven't slept REALLY slept in like 7 months! it takes me hours to fall asleep and then i can't stay asleep and then i can't wake up! who do i see about this!
current mood: depressed
current music: Happy death day to you
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| Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
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2:26 am - I miss my life
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So work is a little on the stressful side. I'm Not sure how to deal with all this shit! I miss my friends and above all i miss my mom. Weird i know! but there it is!
Thats not even half my problems, I'm always tired. I feel like i'm missing out on my life because i spend most of my time at work, and then go straight home and sleep. I'm thinking that its depression. But i've re-read all my live-journal entrys and i seem to always be tired. What the fuck is wrong with me. I want to be happy with my life.
I just found out a shit load of things that are going on in sammi's life and i feel horrible because i'm never there for her anymore. I call her and tell her about my life and then hang up. I don't listen to her! i have no idea whats going on with any of my friends. can you call them friends any more if this is true? Or more important can they call me a friend? Probably not. Am i that self absorbed? i never used to think i was until recently. How can i not know whats going on with anyone? I haven't talked to Abbie since her birthday. i don't really talk to Marissa very much anymore and shaun i want nothing to do with. sooooo i've never felt so lonely before. I've never felt so much at fault for pushing everyone i love away from me!
I want to live in NH again and know how my friends are doing, i want a job that will train me for what the expect me to be doing, i want to be closer with my mom, and most of all i want to be happy doing all this! I moved away thinking that that would make me happy, well i'm not! if you didn't get that.
I also think the month of may is just a really hard month for me anyways. But i've been feeling like this for such a long time. why do i keep fucking up my life? Can i fix it or is it to late? I'm so miserable to be around, such a cold hearted bitch. I'm becoming the one person i hate the most... my grandmother. She lives alone with no friends and no one wants anything to do with her AT ALL. thats me.
current mood: depressed
current music: let me out
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| Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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12:17 pm - "Courtney your anything but peppy!"~chris
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So.... My boyfriend ends up being gay (soooo he lied to me fo 4 years, but i still love him and he is still one of my best friends), i'm still sick with mono, And on top of the whole mono thing i have a new sickness... its called the FLU... shit!! well Its definitely official... I suck at life! not to mention i have hardcore insomnia ewww... i wish i had a different life!
I love being lied to, being sick, and hating my life!
current mood:  calm
current music: none
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| Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
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4:12 pm - They win when your soul dies
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SSOOOOO halloween was fucking awesome!! had a great time at sammi's and kris's!! It was aa l lot of fun!!! i don't have to go to work alll day today and then i don't have to work on friday!! ad then i get my normal sunday monday deal!! WOOO HOOOOO who would have thought that i would get 4 days off in ONE WEEK!! weird!!! i love it! anyways I am having a great time with chris!! i wish i didn't live in CT tho!! boooo it makes me sad! I miss everyone but i'm glad for the money! and i've been try to make an effort to see everyone! altho its really hard! the drive is killing me!! to the extreme! But anyways i'm off to shower and do stuff, so i can play later!
current music: wearwolves a plunder
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| Monday, October 23rd, 2006
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9:11 pm - find out who you are, and do it on purpose!
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SO how fucking excited am i!!! i finally own a MAC computer!!! whooooooooooo hooooooooooooo! and not only are mac pro'lly the coolest thing ever it steals ppls internet!!! hahaha yes!!! thats exciting!! now i can talk to all my loved ones!!! i just thought i should let you all know this!!! MWAUH!!!!!okie i'll talk to you later
current mood:  artistic
current music: bobaflex!
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| Friday, October 20th, 2006
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10:19 am - Never whole again are we
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So i've been having kinda a weird week! i'm not gunna go into to much detail but its been odd to say the least! I was offered something that i never thought i would be offered. And i think i might do it, i need to save up money and i think its gunna look really good for me. I also think that my stress level (already high) will sky rocket! but eh heart attacks only run in my family! drat. well anyways it saddens me all the same b/c if i take the offer i feel i'm going to hurt a lot of people. (maybe not a lot but who i care most about[like 3 people]) i'm not sure its very fair of me to do this, but i really feel that its a good choice for me to make....haha i sound like i'll be dealing drugs!!! haha fear not my lovey kitties i will not be doing anything that breaks the law.... i hope! this also put things with me and chris kinda on hold.... and i feel that i've put our realationship on hold so many times before, i'm not fair to him. I've broken up with him countless amount of times and now i'll be almost doing the same thing and we're not even really a month into our relationship yet!!! i can't stand this!
current mood: frustrated
current music: none
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| Friday, October 6th, 2006
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9:44 pm - uggg
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I'm still at work.... going on about hmmmmm 13 hours now! BOOOOOO i hate working! in honor of sammi i've decided to do this!
1. Fell in love - 19
2. Lost someone close to you - hmmm happens so much in my life! 12-grandfather 16-daddy 17-grandmother 20- one of my bestfriends
3. Gotten drunk- 19 so old i know!!! i'm such a loser for not getting drunk sooner in life!
4. smoked weed- 19
5. Got kissed - 10
6. Went to the hospital - 18 when i broke my leg... i stayed there for like 3 weeks almost a month
7. Got your heart broken - 16
8. Lost a pet - 7
9. Got arrested - nope! Not planning on it either.
10. Smoked a cigarette - 15
11. Broken a bone - 17
12. Got a job - does babysitting count?!
13. Got cheated on - never.... wait SAMMI YOU WHORE!!
15. Went to a concert - 15
16. Got your own cell phone - 16ish
18. Got a myspace account - 19
19. Snuck out of the house - never
20. Got something pierced other than your ears - never... or do i?!
21. Got caught having sex- never
22. Went on a date - 17
23. Snuck someone in your house - haha 17!! i'm a slut!
Thanks sammi!! i love you!!
current mood: contemplating Suicide
current music: your mom!
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9:47 am - more of the story!
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Sap story of how he has to drive for 2 hours and i only live like 15 mins away! omg the only reason he wanted me to stay till 8 was so that i could do some random things.... THINGS I COULD DO THE NEXT MORNING!!! but i think we've had our last fight, he treats me like shit and EVERYONE else see how he treats me and then when i tell him he think he is only a "scap goat" oohhh no!!! fuck that! i'm so tried of his shit! i told him that he should quit and get out of my life if he's so fucking unhappy!! i hate him sooo much! i much happier with chris!:) anyways i have to get back to my job that i hate oh so much! and work for the rest of my stupid life!! grrrr i'm so pissed about heavey!
current mood: irate
current music: new evenescence music!
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| Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
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5:45 pm - AGAIN??
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So wow a hella lot has happened!!! ummm chris and i are once again dating for i think our 5th time now... :) SHUT UP!! :) anyways... i hate it when ppl take advantage of me... like SHAUN! i came in to work at 11 today to give him his keys and ended up opening his shift doing HIS inventory, AND Doing projection! i told him that i was working the night but he was like eh just work the day instead! so i go home and change... then he tells me that i have to work till 8 a 2-8 shift he called it... i blew up!! i was like NO WAY IN HELL!! i've been here since 11 today i've worked my shift! then he gives me some sap story about how
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| Thursday, September 28th, 2006
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9:52 am - I'm having a bad day wait.... no a bad life!!!
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I hate being sick!!! i feel like i am dying!! OMG!!! so to go along with me feeling like iam dying......
I hurt so bad and i am working for like the next..... umm life!! :( crap!!
current mood: sick
current music: Chainsaws and children
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| Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
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5:45 pm - these dayz go on
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Hey kitties... not a whole hella a lot going on... Working my butt off like normal! Sammi came down to visit me on sunday that was awesome fun... we got wicked lost and then went to walk around my appt. area and we found out why my place is called falls mills! i have a HUGE water fall right behind my appt!!! its soooooo pretty!! omg i love it!! anyways then i went home to NH and hung out with my mommy!! and then hung out with shaun and then spent like 1 hour last night trying to find a gas station open at like 2:30 in the morning!! NOT COOL! i almost started crying i was so worried i wasn't going to be able and get back to CT in time!!! jeeze! so everything is pretty good... i miss everyone OF COURSE!!! :) i'm so happy sammi came down to visit me!!! YOU SHOULD ALL DO THAT SOMETIME!!! OMG p.s i have this weird thing on my back thats SOOOOOOOO painful!! its like a horrible rash only where my bra straps go... i have no idea what caused it tho... (my bra straps never caused anything likethis before!) I might have to go to the hospital! not cool!!!
current mood:  exhausted
current music: nickleback
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| Saturday, September 9th, 2006
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7:29 pm - Fuck life!
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So yeah wicked tired!!! been working the shit hours that noone wants to work!!! i really want to go back to school!!! I am so done with somethings here!! I did something really super stupid last night and i am sure i am going to regret that for the rest of my life!!!! Not even joking in the least!! I will forever wish i didn't do what i did last night!! I wish i never opened my mouth!! Omg i feel so stupid... and used!! Why is this so important to me?! I DON"T KNOW!! i wish it wasn't i am retarded! FUCK!
current mood:  sad
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